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Hot Like the Sun, Wet Like the Rain

By Arik Cohen

Lasers shot all around him. Not death lasers or violent lasers, but harmless little red and blue streaks that wouldn't harm anyone. Not without constant exposure over decades anyway. He was President Michael O'Malley, and he was at his first rave in a warehouse on the outskirts of Washington D.C.

President O'Malley had always been a polarizing President, but over the past few weeks the number of death threats against him were on the rise, and in between stump speeches and war room shenanigans he decided to consult his bucket list, just incase someone bested the secret service and ended his life.

Two days ago he was looking at the second page and noticed one list item that broke a streak:

[X] Become President

[X] Pass single-payer health care

[ ] Go to a real bitchin' rave

[X] Win a Nobel Prize

After consulting a few on-staff researchers (aka "White House interns who know where the bitchin' raves are") he settled on a warehouse party described as "An Underground Night of Impulse and DiscoDeath."

The secret service joined him, but dressed as ravers.

Obviously the President of the free world was the standout at this dirty, dingy, abandoned warehouse that had been converted into a single large room for DJs to fill with high-energy synthwave, house, drum'n'bass, and whatever other sub-genres of EDM President O'Malley had no clue about. But despite all eyes on him he danced. He danced as the lasers shot all around him.

Maybe it was the music, maybe it was the fog machine, maybe it was the half an E he bought from a tall white guy in glasses and a goatee, but for a moment everything came into focus. I’m not President, he thought, I’m present.

He felt happiness in its purest form, maybe for the first time in his infamous life. His memories flashed. His sixth birthday, his first kiss, his high school graduation, second kiss, third kiss. He had a lot of kisses to remember.

The music kept repeating the phrase "DON'T STOP!" so he didn't, he kept thinking about all those kisses. Hot kisses, wet kisses, all of them.

Life isn't about single-payer health care, he thought, it's about KISSES.

Enough was enough, he decided. His next policy initiative: Kisses for every American.

After weeks and weeks of backroom deals and strategy sessions, the "Kisses for Every American" policy initiative was announced and was instantly unpopular. Most Americans agree that people need to earn their kisses, plus important questions of who would do all the kissing went unanswered.

But President O’Malley dug his heels in and made it his campaign slogan for reelection:

O'Malley / Banderas 2028

Smooch Smooch

He lost the electoral college 525 to 13.

He only won one state: Virginia, because it’s for lovers.

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Illustrations by Scott Thiede